'Get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini' - MADE IN CHELSEA

I spent 20 years of my life almost free of  reality TV*. I did enjoy Survivor though, however I can't vouch for anyone else in Britain as no-one else seems to have heard of it.. I managed to avoid eight years of Big Brother and although I  had a brief but very enjoyable flirtation with Celebrity Love Island, I was still predominantly anti reality TV. Until I came to uni. Every female had watched The Hills and everyone seemed to be the ultimate Big Brother fan. I was cruelly sucked in and even watched some episodes of The Hills so I knew what people were on about. By October I was avidly following the lives of brainless Cheshire teenagers in Living On The Edge. I've even managed to force myself to now thoroughly and genuinely enjoy Four Weddings. However much I despise weddings, marriage, cheesy gestures, butterflies and people who are in love I simply can't get enough of it. So now I am officially a reality TV 'fan' and am no longer ashamed (well, maybe I am a little bit) and recent favourites The Only Way is Essex and The Hotel have really sealed the deal. I still draw the line at American shows though, I'm not that hooked. I have no idea who the Kardashians actually are or why they are famous are and frankly I couldn't give less of a shit.

Anyway, back to the case in point. My love affair with The Only Way is Essex became an addiction and I dreaded the day it was over - what would I watch when I was low on grey matter now?? The withdrawal symptoms were soon soothed with E4's hypodermic needle full of delicious reality TV smack: Made in Chelsea. Gone are the boob jobs and white Landrovers of Essex, this time the screens are graced with posh young idiots (don't let the accent fool you into thinking they are any more intelligent than my dear favourite Amy Childs)  with nothing better to do than date models, drink champagne and talk about their eyelashes while dicking about in London's most exclusive postcodes. It is hilarious. You know how you laugh when you see someone fall over in the street or walk along with their skirt tucked in their knickers? Well, it's that kind of funny. I LOVE IT.

The cast all have stupid names, stupid hair, or in most cases both and despite the private education, the majority of them barely have a brain cell to rub together  (no Ollie, Binky and Cheska, Charles Dickens did not write Winnie The Pooh.) Amber is trying to start her own jewellery business by throwing a pretentious party and Caggie is a budding singer so wears lots of silver jewellery and denim shirts, clearly the next Joan Baez .... Francis Boulle may actually be one of the few with half a brain as he's CEO of some diamond business. cue him posing for a portrait, pretentious globe in hand, despite probably having a panic attack if he goes any further than Saville Row. A lot of them have 'jobs' but appear to be on gap decades at the moment which is convenient.

After just two episodes the 'big' story is Caggie fancies Spencer even though he has a pathetic haircut, Spencer really fancies Caggie too and has since he was 15 but now he lives with his model girlfriend Funda who briefly stars in the new Trainline advert ('choo choo choo make savings with the trainline', watch and you'll see). An awkward dinner party ensued in episode two that was difficult to watch, but shit looks set to hit the fan in tonight's episode when Funda wants to talk to Caggie. I can't wait.

The other relationship dilemma is Ollie and his 'girlfriend' Gabriella. The fact he was going out with a girl shocked me enough but to see how besotted she is with him and how little he cares about her is horrifying, although leads to some frankly hilarious moments. It can only end in tears. He invited his hateful friends Cheska and Binky along on a specifically 'just the two of us, romantic' skiing break and was in a state of shock when he couldn't find his eyelash curlers. When he looks at her he couldn't be any more dead behind the eyes. I can't see the series progressing well for them. He needs to flounce off and make us laugh on his own without hurting her any more. The relationship would just be collateral damage in the quest for amusement.

Fredrik, the model, has just been to Damascus essentially wearing 'nouveau backpacker' fancy dress because he's far more interesting and much cooler than the rest of them of course...He's beginning to date Millie who couldn't be any more different to him. He surprised her on a lunch date by 'making an entrance' - she thought she'd been stood up then realised he was the one playing lounge music on the piano. She then flirted with him overtly, they got in a cab together as he groped her arse but of course she won't be putting out til the seventh date. She told Caggie.

In real life Hugo would be my favourite. He's the only one who actually seems like a decent person, he is far more grounded and level headed than the others and, somewhat coincidentally, the most shaggable. However, for the purposes of viewing enjoyment, Ollie is the overall favourite. I love to hate the disgusting way he treats the besotted girlfriend that he clearly doesn't give a shit about, the way he whips his hair and the pure dismay I feel at everything that comes out of his mouth. And these people are 'real.' 

Favourite moments so far:

• Horse-maned Ollie channelled the inner philosopher and bravely tackled the big question - 'Can you tan through fake tan?'
• I'm pretty sure 'intern' Agne is actually Elena from Peep Show plus a bottle of peroxide. If this is the case (and I plan to investigate it) then she needs to go back to drama school.
• Talking of the 'intern', Francis' face when she swanned in with her Swedish accent and blow job pout was priceless. Pretty sure it wasn't just the acting that was wooden on that occasion.
•  Ollie and his girlfriend decided that they could always just 'share concealer' on their skiing trip. Even the rich are thrifty.
• Spencer acted like a petulant child when he realised he couldn't have two cakes and eat them both. In a MASSIVE coincidence, he 'happened' to turn up at the bar where Hugo was setting Caggie up with an equally posh mate. 
• Francis clearly took a day off when they were taught to row as he made a pigs ear of capsizing on his 'lads' day with Fredrik. Maybe that's why Caggie isn't interested in him. 

I'm genuinely excited for tonight's episode and the rest of the series although I fear the end will come along far too quickly. The sheer insanity and hilarity of these people is the perfect love/hate TV, especially for those of us who are jobless and penniless, in need of something  to make us feel better about our lives.

Ollie was so worried people would notice he hadn't curled his eyelashes that he chose a suitably elaborate prop to distract us. I salute you. Darling.

*note - Come Dine With Me doesn't count. It's fantastic and not in the same realm as 'reality' TV. Neither does Big Break.

‘I think I’m Mr Leap Year’

A chance meeting in Bumper led to me spending an afternoon on the set of Hollyoaks with actor Tony Hirst, affectionately known in my household at least, as Mike ‘not bad for a Dad’ Barnes. This interview was published in The Looprevil Press in 2009.

I had a full tour of the set, bumping into more characters than I can count before settling down in the Barnes family living room for an interview. Decorated in the shabby chic of depressing Christmas cheer that only soap operas can manage talk ranged from the soap itself, to Bob Dylan to topless calendars.

I had to unleash the inner Hollyoaks fan a bit so needed to know the answers to a few questions. Following the death of his fictional daughter Sarah, my flatmate and I had been perturbed as to why the policeman broke the news of her death to Mike on his doorstep in a silent, very Hollyoaks, montage – surely he’d take him inside for a nice cup of tea and a sit down?

There’s a funny story about that. He was an extra, lovely guy. There was no dialogue in it but the director could see lip sync in the shot so he had to say something. So we came to do it, I  was behind the door, obviously you knew it was going to be an emotional moment, but you also had to play the surprise of it. I could hear him walking up to the door and he knocks on the door, I open it and he said (adopts comically deep,northern monotone voice) ‘Mr Barnes, your daughter is dead.’  It was so funny. I said to the director ‘does he have to speak?’ he said ‘yes he does but don’t worry I’ll have a word with him, make him be a bit more ... compassionate.’ We roll up to do it again, he knocks on the door, I open the door – ‘Mr Barnes, I’m afraid your daughter is dead’ –  hahaha it’s fucking great! If you watch the scene again it’s just me trying so hard not to laugh.

I just thought he would have been better taking him inside, so talk turned to what soaps really stand for, how unrealistic these ‘real life’ dramas actually are –

Sometimes that’s a real frustration but other times it’s a real liberating thing that you can, not have fun, but ease traumatic situations. It’s a soap opera, it is what it is, you know. It’s not a negative thing a lot of the time, it’s, I think it’s fun. I love the good things about soap. There are a lot of bad things I hate about it but that’s not just exclusively about soap. I think there’s a tendency to assume that your audience is stupid. I don’t think they are. Hollyoaks is very unique in that it’s got a really big demographic. It’s got a lot of young kids, really young kids who watch it, obviously a lot of students but then a lot of older, thirty-somethings who watch it. The people who come up to me on the street, more often than not, are the older punters. It’s like my little niece when she was seven or eight she’s be watching the Simpsons just before Hollyoaks – one of the most sophisticated pieces of writing on any television and she gets the Simpsons so she’s going to get Hollyoaks down to a tee, and she does. I’ve been here four years and the show has got so much better– not any coincidence! But I think the script writing has got a lot better and the story telling has got a lot better, At times, and this isn’t exclusive toHollyoaks at all, they do that that thing where they just talk down to the audience, or they panda to that casual idea that they have to explain everything.

The cast and crew of Hollyoaks shoot Monday to Friday and occasionally weekends, the days are long and there are three or four weeks worth of filming being done and once, up to six weeks in advance of showing –

It’s just really strange, coming in every day and playing the same character every day is really odd. Good, great fun, but from an acting job kind of thing it’s strange, I’d never done a soap opera before. You might do a theatre job for a few months and get used to playing that character but never just day in, day out, it’s really odd. Bit like a sausage factory at times. I think it would be very easy to just turn up and become really nonchalant but I enjoy keeping it fresh, keeping myself fresh and on my toes, it’s exciting.

I asked Tony why he hadn’t featured in the infamous Hollyoaks Hunks calendar –

Haha I haven’t been asked yet, I think I’m Mr Leap Year!

I wondered what the perks of being a soap star were and whether he had taken advantage of any of them –

We get a lot of free stuff from companies like clothes and games but it’s stupid, we can afford them if we want them, they should be giving the games to kids that can’t. Although I did use it once when I wanted Bob Dylan tickets for me and my two kids at The Echo this year, so I managed to get them! I thought as well that Dylan in Liverpool would be good because there would be a kind of warmth. When he sang George Harrison’s Somethingeveryone was just singing along, it was just great. I think if I had seen him in London then you’d have had that cynical Southern, corporate attitude. I mean, I’ve lived in London for twenty years and I adore it as a city but there’s that kind of reserved, slightly cold ‘entertain me’ idea but I think he genuinely responded to the warmth of Liverpool. So that was the only time I’ve ever used any sort of Hollyoaks influence, but Hollyoaks and Bob Dylan are very, very far apart! 

A conversation about music ensued and we came on to the topic of Hollyoaks’ most recent venture – their music show and the annual X Factor debate.

They don’t ask me anyway, but again this is another frustration. I think they think because you’re over about 28 that suddenly you haven’t got a clue about music, it’s like for fuck’s sake, did The Clash never happen? So, you just kind of get sidelined on that. I don’t want to get involved in it anyway. I do think there’s a great deal of skill on The X Factor. My opinion is though that it should always come from a point of soul and a point of truth and a point of need and if you’ve got that need and you’ve got something to say you’ll find a way. I just don’t like the corporate shaping and ownership of music. It should be about rock ‘n roll and anarchy and voice. It’s that cult of celebrity – when people meet you and recognise you it’s lovely because they see you in their living rooms every day, but when they elevate you, or you see other celebrities elevating themselves over people, it’s bullshit. It’s like punk never happened, I pull me hair out over it sometimes.

Whilst on the lines of ‘celebrities’ and reality TV I couldn’t help but bring up fellow Hollyoaks cast member Ricky Whittle’s performance on Strictly Come Dancing:

I haven’t actually watched it but Ricky is an absolutely lovely bloke and he’s got some moves. I taught him everything he knows. I’m just really pleased that he paid attention in those night clubs where I showed him my best moves.

So would Tony ever be tempted into the realm of reality TV?

No. Not a chance. Um .. no! A. I’m not that interesting, B. I’ve got too big a gob on me and C. I just wouldn’t –I wouldn’t tune in to see it so why would anyone want to see me? I’d rather keep myself to myself.

We wrapped the interview up there as filming had to continue. We had another scoot round the set, and a peek in the green room before Tony had to go back to his day job and step back into the shoes of Mike Barnes. It was a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. I would have loved to pop into The Dog for a quick wine to finish it off, however all illusions were shattered when I realised it was just a set.

Lifestyles of the not so rich and famous

University ends and you think the world is at your feet  'I've got a degree, I can do anything.' In reality all I can currently see at my feet are five empty red wine bottles and an empty packet of cheese and onion crisps. I spend the majority of my days sat in the flat watching god awful TV and applying for countless jobs. The state of limbo between university and employment is so odd.You'd think having all day every day to do what you want would be great, but there's a small issue of cash. No loan left and no job means quite a dull existence as it's virtually impossible to go anywhere and not spend any money. Soon I'll be in our favoured lunch venue The Egg with my two future flatmates going thirds on a cup of tea. Yes, funds are that bad. So as this blog was a poor effort before, with my previous commitment lasting just 4 days, all this free time means starting it up again in order to fill my time and shamelessly promote my desired career. Because that's what happens isn't it? Someone will notice my blog and in no time I'll be working at Vogue. Whilst simultaneously falling in love with the most gorgeous man I've ever seen. Or maybe that was a film I saw once.